When a new baby arrives, everyone's attention naturally shifts to the tiny person in the room.
How much are they eating?
How often are they sleeping?
How many diapers have they gone through today?
Are they gaining weight?
These are important questions, of course. But during a recent episode of Beyond the Diaper, pediatrician, postpartum healer, and parent coach Dr. Obehi Okojie shared a question that often gets overlooked:
Who is taking care of the mom who is giving all of herself to keep this child alive?
It's a question she found herself asking after becoming a mother herself.
The part nobody prepares you for
Before having children, many parents expect the sleepless nights.
They expect diaper changes.
They expect feeding schedules.
What often catches them off guard is the mental load that arrives alongside the baby.
Dr. Obehi remembers coming home after the birth of her first child and suddenly finding herself responsible for keeping a newborn alive while also trying to recover from birth.
There were feedings to track. Medications to remember. Water to drink. Food to eat. Rest to get. A body that needed healing. And a tiny baby who seemed to need something every few minutes.
As she described it, she found herself wondering who was looking after the person responsible for everything else.
The answer, for many mothers, is surprisingly few people.
Why postpartum support matters
One of the most interesting parts of the conversation was hearing how differently many cultures approach the postpartum period.
In Dr. Obehi's Nigerian family, support after birth wasn't considered optional. Her grandmother stayed with her mother for years after children were born, and when Dr. Obehi had her own babies, her mother came to help care for her family as well.
That kind of support feels unusual in modern American culture, where many mothers are expected to bounce back quickly and manage much of the newborn period on their own.
But humans were never really designed to do this alone.
For most of history, there was a village.
There were grandparents, neighbors, siblings, and friends stepping in to make meals, wash dishes, fold laundry, and help care for the mother while she recovered.
Somewhere along the way, many of us lost that expectation.
Support shouldn't look like hosting
Dr. Varisa touched on something that will feel familiar to many parents.
Sometimes visitors arrive after a baby is born, but instead of helping, they unintentionally create more work.
The house needs tidying.
Coffee needs making.
Meals need preparing.
Conversation needs entertaining.
That's not the kind of support new parents need.
Real support looks different.
It's the friend who drops off dinner and leaves.
It's the grandparent who folds laundry without being asked.
It's the neighbor who walks the dog.
It's the person who says, "Go take a shower. I've got the baby."
The goal isn't to admire the baby from the couch.
The goal is to care for the people caring for the baby.
Taking care of mom is taking care of baby
One of the themes that kept coming up throughout the episode was how connected mothers and babies really are.
Earlier in the conversation, Dr. Obehi described caring for newborns in the hospital and how powerful skin-to-skin contact can be for helping babies regulate their breathing, temperature, and overall wellbeing.
Babies don't exist separately from the people caring for them
They absorb our calm.
They notice our stress.
They depend on us not only for food and comfort, but also for regulation.
Which means that when a mother is exhausted, overwhelmed, unsupported, and running on empty, the effects ripple outward.
And when a mother feels cared for, rested, nourished, and supported, that ripples outward too.
As Dr. Varisa put it, if our goal is truly to care for the baby, we can't ignore the person providing that care twenty-four hours a day.
A gentle reminder for every mother
Perhaps the most important takeaway from this conversation is that needing help is not a sign that you're failing but something that every mom experiences.
The early weeks and months of motherhood ask a tremendous amount of women, physically, mentally, and emotionally.
You were never meant to carry it all alone.
So if someone offers to bring a meal, say yes.
If someone offers to hold the baby while you nap, say yes.
If someone asks how they can help, tell them.
Accepting support is also a BIG part of it and something that new parents can find extremely difficult.
And if you're supporting a new mother, remember that caring for the baby is wonderful.
But caring for the mother may be one of the greatest gifts you can give the entire family.
Listen to the full episode
Want to hear the full conversation with Dr. Obehi Okojie?